I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I checked into jail on foursquare
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
