I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you had me at cake vodka
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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