I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
