i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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