everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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