The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
