Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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