never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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