If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
