the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
