that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
