I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
