It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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