She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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