woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
