the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
