I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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