Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
