i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
