Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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