two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
