Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize