I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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