I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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