Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
