quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
