So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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