went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
