I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
