I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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