I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it was like eating out sand paper
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize