I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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