my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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