We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
