So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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