My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
