I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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