Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sorry about my life...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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