He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
