he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
