I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
