I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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