I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
