Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
