If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize