Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
