smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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