Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
