I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
