Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
