Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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