Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
