OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
