I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
