I wanna passion pit in your ass
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
