I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
