So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
