if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
