awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
