You can't motorboat a personality
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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