Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
