Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
